Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Gross if literal…Liverpool
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt