Clients after you give them your rates
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I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Any refunds available?…
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
You learn something every day
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.