We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.