Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!