BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*