Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Many hands make light work
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.