Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
And then there were 4
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.