I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.