No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
real
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam