How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me