It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
(2022)
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.