Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.