I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight