ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
what’s really going on
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Always 🥴