A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You Might Also Like
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Best mom ever 😂
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.