MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.