My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.