Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
all bases covered
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer