Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
want me to check your oil?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
me as a parent
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex