Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Okay, I’m still confused…
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.