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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.