There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
You Might Also Like
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Oh my god
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?