Spa day..😅
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
channeling her this year
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!