A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so