i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
the world’s most popular steaming services
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Good morning.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.