Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.