Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I think they could have phrased this better
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720