That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.