My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
You Might Also Like
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.