[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.