where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Yep.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.