“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian