I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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work smarter, not harder
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
fly smarter, not harder