He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.