don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
You Might Also Like
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.