Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Chicago sounds lovely.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.