so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Me :
All Day At Night
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.