Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My dad.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.