accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.