HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.