Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Miscakes
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.