my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …