“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
True statement👍😏😁
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty