i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.