When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
You Might Also Like
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”