Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
You Might Also Like
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.