lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
You Might Also Like
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*limbos away from your hug*
scares
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take