The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.