I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.