Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Brilliant!
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.